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Nov. 18th, 2009

I've probably written & then privated about 6 or 7 entries with only 3 or 4 lines.
I don't know why I can't make myself post what I'm feeling, but I can't, & won't. Not just yet, until I can get the words straight in my head.

In the end' I'm a human being, nothing more, nothing less. I deserve respect, & I can slip, just like anyone else. Just because of what has happened in the past, it doesn't mean I should have to tread cautiously, but I feel I have to, which possibly makes it harder.
I don't know what I want to say right this minute, because the things I want to say, & I mean really say, I'm not allowed.

This will do, because this is a lovely song.
COnsidering my love in the past for Paramore, I've strangely not had a proper listen to their new album.
I've not heard the album in full, well, completely, & this is the first time I've listened to any of it when I've not been in my mum's.
I might get round to it at some point.

Writer's Block: Troubled waters

When something is troubling you, where do you usually turn? Do you feel like you have a solid network of emotional support? Do you communicate with your best friends in person or online?

Only three answers, well, this is something I've never seen before!
I'd say I have an adequate network of support, yes, whether I allow them to be my support, or they are the right kind of support, both are debatable.

I turn to the one person that I think can help, or will help, or should be able to help.
Sometimes that person isn't the person you'd expect, but right now it is.
But I'm still not working through it.
Go figure.

No more pain though.
But lots of tears from Private Practice. Best episode of anything I've seen all week, hands down.

Sep. 16th, 2009

Something is scratching its way out.
Something you want to forget about.

A part of you that'll never show, you're the only one that'll ever know.
Take it back when it all began.
Take your time, would you understand what it's all about?
1. Post about something that made you happy today even if it's just a small thing.
2. Do this everyday for eight days without fail.
3. Tag eight of your friends to do the same.

_glarawen_ cazra dave1986 fatefellshorrrt hazey_sunshine soap182 xstaceyx1989 

Tagging those that have updated their journals lately & kinda regularly?
I'm going to start being a good LJ friend (& RL friend) soon, I promise. I'm hoping this chest infection is on its way out, 'cos everything feels a thousand times harder & grosser right now. It's so horrible.

Day one; (Sunday)

Today when I finished work I looked at my phone & had a text from Greg, saying that him & the others were playing football & Toby was more than welcome to go join them. After inviting him at his BBQ a couple weeks back, he then invited him over FB, & then again when he text me. I know this isn't anything major, but it makes me really smile. I have this amazing boyfriend that other people feel comfortable around. & it makes me love him even more.

Also, we went to Mark's, & ended up playing badminton. Seriously, want a badminton net myself. I got ridiculously hot & gross, playing badminton in jeans & two tees & whilst having a chest infection. But we laughed loads. & it made me really happy.

& Amy & I are mid way through making plans to go to Italy for her birthday for a long weekend.

So, quite a bit of happiness, really.

Writer's Block: There Can Be Only One

Do you believe in monogamy?
What I believe is that it works for me.
I understand that there are people out there for which polyamory works. To me, it's not just black & white.
For me it is, but to me, it's not.
I understand that there are people who want to love, & be loved, by more than one person.
& that it's not just about having a partner, & then getting to have sex with other people aswell. It's more than that, I guess is what I'm trying to say?
I can't say from experience, but I can say from a bit of research. Which again, I know isn't the same as experiencing it.

I'm more than happy aiming all my love & affection at one person. & having just one person concentrate all their love & affection my way. Infact, it's quite difficult to manage being completely in love with one person, & my job, & trying to keep up with other peoples lives.

I can imagine having more than one partner to be a little bit crazy, or at least for me it would.
I think I'd get hugely paranoid, but I guess (& that is all I can do) that's not what it's about, it's not something you'd do if you know you'd react like that.

I can also imagine it to be highly complicated, when other things come into the equation, who you live with, if you have children, money issues, how other people would react to it.

I don't believe in monogamy because it is the easier option, nor do I believe I'm monogamous because it's what I've been brought up to believe is right, what I do think is that it's what works best for me, & for as long into the future as I can see, it's what I'll be sticking with.
I can't imagine being with anyone else, or anyone else being with Toby, infact, it makes me feel very uncomfortable, & pretty much sick to my stomach. Maybe that's just because he's so freaking adorable & I'm ridiculously lucky to have him to the point where the idea of anyone else having him is just ... horrible.

Probably the most I've written for a Writer's Block in a while, hmmm.
I think I'll update seperately about everything else.

Writer's Block: Swine Times

Are you worried about catching the swine flu? Do you have a plan for avoiding contagion or dealing with quarantine?
Ahahaha, when I shouted this writer's block out to Toby, his reply? "SUICIDE"

But seriously, I'm not even going to answer this, I just found that funny.
I spent at least two hours today reading about this blasted flu that is going to kill us all, apparently.

Writer's Block: Dream Trip

If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?

This is the first thing I thought of when I read this question. & it took a little searching, but I found it.
There is my answer. One day I will do this, even if it means driving it myself. I was so excited for the plans, & nothing will change that.

I wouldn't mind going to Australia either.
& I'm going to American next year, so don't even have to wish for that!

I'll sing it one last time for you, then we really have to go.
You've been the only thing that's right in all I've done.
& I can barely look at you but every single time I do,
I know we'll make it anywhere, away from here.

Light up, light up, as if you have a choice.
Even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll be right beside you dear.
Louder louder & we'll run for our lives.
I can hardly speak, I understand why you can't raise your voice to say.
To think I might not see those eyes, makes it so hard not to cry.
& as we say our long goodbye, I nearly do.
Light up, light up, as if you have a choice.
Even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll be right beside you dear.
Louder louder & we'll run for our lives.
I can hardly speak, I understand why you can't raise your voice to say.
Slower slower, we don't have time for that.
All I want is to find an easier way.
To get out of our little heads.
Have heart my dear, we're bound to be afraid.
Even if it's just for a few days, making up for all this mess

Light up, light up, as if you have a choice.
Even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll be right beside you dear.

Mission 101 - List

This entry will be public, so even if you're not on my friends list you can see my progress, however, if you're reading this, just comment me & I'll friend you, mmhum.

The Mission: Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria: Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).

The Start Date: January 4th, 2009.
The Finish Date: October 2nd, 2011.

The Tasks:

1) Pass my driving test.
2) Pass theory driving test.
3) Go a month without drinking coke.
4) Save tips from work for three months, at least twice.
5) Visit Lucy
6) Visit Caz
7) Visit Glara
8) Visit DM at uni.
9) Spend a full day hanging out with Janet, just the two of us.
10) Repair our friendship. (this is the only one I'm worried about because it's not just me that has to be willing)
11) Fill a cork board with pictures of good memories.
12) Keep an active memory box.
13) Eat 5 a day for at least a month.
14) Go to the gym at least twice a week for three months.
15) Start a course and complete it!
16) Try to actively update my LiveJournal. (& not just with rubbish ramblings either)
17) Move back out.
18) Anser the LiverJournal writer's block every day for a month, however boring or short the answer.
19) Take two pictures a day for a month (& upload them!) for 6 individual months.
20) Take up running.
21) Reread the twilight series.
22) Go swimming!
23) Make a scrapbook for every year. One for 2009, one for 2010 & one for 2011.
24) Maintain a steady weight.
25) Get someone else to do mission 101. (Amy, Janet, Rachel (Lee not Scarisbrick) Soap, Stacey! Others?!) January 4th
26) Dye my hair a completely different colour (semi permanent) and get my second tattoo (cheating, two in one, I know)
27) Stay in a beautiful cottage for a week/weekend.
28) Eat out at five new restaurants.
29) Walk to work and back everyday for a month in the summer.
30) Work on learning to cook. (it needs to be done!)
31) Try new foods at least once (it won't kill you!)
32) Research into photography more & make use of my S6500 before I buy a new one.
33) Visit (& fund the trip entierly myself) another country on my own.
34) Swap my mp3 player with a friend for a week.
35) Go driving, with no map, no sat nav, get lost & find my way home again.
36) Go to Leeds Festival for the 5th time (& hopefully the 6th & 7th) and shout "bollocks" all weekend.
37) See Fall Out Boy in another country.
38) Wear matching underwear (colour wise!) everyday for a week.
39) Wear a different necklace everyday for a week.
40) Fly a kite.
41) Watch the sun rise & set from the same place in one day.
42) Walk the full distance of the beach. & back.
43) Visit Clandestine store in Chicago, IL.
44) Genuinely try to save money.
45) Go on a picnic somewhere beautiful.
46) Go ice skating.
47) Go rollerblading.
48) Go horse riding.
49) Donate blood.
50) Volunteer somewhere worthwhile.
51) When financially stable, lend money at least once through kiva.org.
52) Build a sandcastle.
53) Get rid of clothes I don't wear & stop buying clothes I don't love.
54) Get all old disposable cameras developed.
55) Eat vegeterian for a month at least once.
56) Buy myself flowers because flowers are amazing.
57) Learn to play the piano.
58) Spend a night just looking at the stars (preferably in the country)
59) Stay in the Alton Towers Hotel!
60) Buy a beautiful dress & wear it somewhere special.
61) Buy a postsecret book & gift it to someone.
62) Purchase a polaroid camera.
63) At least start to learn to ride a motorcycle.
64) Send a postcard to postsecret.
65) Get into the habit of drinking water before bed.
66) Get into the habit of eating breakfast regularly.
67) Stop biting nails, permanently.
68) Have a cocktail night.
69) Go swimming in the sea abroad.
70) Buy someone a subscription for something in 2010.
71) But a llama through World Vision.
72) Go to a safari park & have someone else drive.
73) Make home made candles.
74) Purchase both of Obama's autobiographies for Amy & I.
75) Do not lose 2009 diary!
76) Get organised for Christmas & birthdays in advance.
77) Help mum celebrate her 50th birthday in a great way.
78) Do not ignore my 21st birthday, however tempting.
79) Watch 5 movies, back to back in one day, 5 times.
80) Organise computer & keep it that way.
81) For one month, track every penny I spend.
82) Make a pizza from scratch.
83) Make a vegetarian, wheat free meal for mum, Amy & I.
84) No plastic bags for a month!
85) Spend a summer day reading in the park.
86) Take part in Buy Nothing Day, 29th November 2009 & 2010.
87) Give five "just because" gifts.
88) Feel good wearing a bikini.
89) Take part in "gimme your stuff"
90) Take photographic evidencem(where possible) of completed tasks.
91) Update LiveJournal (& blogspot) regarding my progress in this mission!
92) Pay off overdraft & feel comfortable with the amount of money in my account.
93) Reclaim £500 back from Natwest & open a seperate savings account.
94) Visit New York with Amy for her 18th (& go to five different gigs & five different universities while we're there)
95) Take a day trip to five different UK cities.
96) Visit an aquarium.
97) Find the perfect boots, however difficult that is!
98) Wear a dress everyday for a week (x5)
99) Wear different coloured contacts.
100) Carpe Diem.

101) For every incomplete task after 1001 days, donate £5 to an undetermined charity.

I'm actually really quite anxious about this. There are ALOT of things there, but I am very very determined. I think it'll do great things for my life, although there are only a few seriously life changing things in there. I'm so glad to have started this among my friends & can't wait to read their lists as I'm certain they'll have all come up with some wonderful things. My friends are very much so included in my list as you can see as I've realise that friends are so stupidly important it is unreal. I want amazing memories that I can cherish for the rest of my life & that is pretty much what the next three years will be about! I also have a feeling that my close friends that are doing this, it'll keep us in touch & close, which is a wonderful thing. I can't wait to see everyones progress with this, it's such an exciting concept I just can't explain how glad I am I decided to do it. :)!


Today is the first day of NaBloPoMo, & I can promise this will be the shortest of my updates. I am heading out to my cousin Sara's wedding very very soon.


But, in short, I will keep to this & I will do this.

Last night was ridiculous. I mean ridiculous. Both in good & bad ways. It's a long story. I will have pictures to go with this long story soon. For the time being, those that have me on facebook can see them there.

Tonight will be strange. But manageable I think. Now I just need to fix myself & make myself look good.
Everyday this month, I swear.

(All my November entries will be public. So fuck it. If you read something you don't like you can, well, go away. My journal)

Writer's Block: Food Loves and Hates

What foods can you not live without, and what foods can you not stomach?
(I make my writer's block entries public 95% of the time - everything else is friends only)

As I'm such a food person, this is totally great for me to answer. Specially as I'm still working on the restaurant writer's block in my head.

Foods I can not live without:

I'm a serious meat eater, which, I admit, sometimes I feel bad about, I have a serious love for animals & wish I had the will power to be a vegeterian, but I don't. Most of all would be steak. Nice steak, not cheap, crap, fatty steak. Preferably filet mignon or sirloin steak, which generally seem to be the most expensive on a menu (but has nothing to do with me being "allergic to cheap" but more so my fine dining background & the influence of Tark & John) but really I like alot of meat, chicken (obviously haha) pork sometimes, duck, venison is absolutely amazing, but while all these meats are absolutely gorgeous, really, the one that tops them all is lamb. Lamb beats out every meat, ever. Which is sad because little lambs are amazingly cute & I'd love one as a pet, but my conscience wouldn't allow it for sure. 
While I love chocolate (favourite being galaxy of course) & most things sugary, I also absolutely love fruit & vegetables. I'll eat pretty much any, even if I don't enjoy it that much, I'm pretty certain I'll like it. Fruit wise I'm absolutely addicted to blackberries lately. & strawberries. & grapes aswell, purple preferably, but white as well. Vegetable wise, there's just so many to choose from. But about 6 months ago I developed this love for mushrooms. I'm addicted to them & it's amazing. I love salad & eating it makes me feek ridiculously healthy which I like.
I love mashed potato. I love pasta. I like pizza, but think I could live with out it (possibly?!)

Favourite meals: spaghetti bolognase (or pasta bolognase), sweet & sour chicken & lamb, mash & veg (in no particular order). If I could eat these twice a week & then a really nice steak maybe one a week. I would actually be in heaven.

I also really like cereal. Random? Yes. But it's just great!

Really; when it comes down to it, to me, food is food. & a world without being able to taste the amazing variety of foods out there, would seem pretty pointless. (which, in other news, as I now have my "plate" after being the dentists, it covers half of the roof of my mouth, stopping me from tasting alot of my food. Not happy. So I'm being forced to take it out haha, just so I can enjoy my meals)

Foods I can't stomach:

Well, this isn't going to be very long.
Fish. Fish. Fish. Hate it. It's gross. & I have no idea how I used to eat fish fingers.
The smell, the sight, everything to do with it makes me want to gag.
I hate being around people when they eat things like tuna, or when Omar eats fish it really does make me want to puke & obviously not kiss him.
I hate it. It's gross. I can't stress enough how much I really don't like it. I wish I was allergic to it so I'd have an excuse to be so anti-fish. But I don't.

& as a side note. "Vegeterians" that eat fish are NOT vegeterians. Seriously pet hate. Fish = alive. Fish = having parents. Fish = breathing (even if it is underwater) Fish = have hearts. How is that any different to animals? Just 'cos they don't make noises. Or have "personalities" like animals. When, in fact, I believe they do. "Our" fish, Mike (well, he's my fish, but he lives at my mum's & she feeds him, I got him when I lived in my dad's for about 6 months & we properly bonded!) seriously knows what's going on, he comes to say hi to you when you go near the fish tank & he's a clever motherfucker. I know he's "just a fish" but I'd have more of a hard time killing him than killing some random farm animal, I think. Not that I could kill a farm animal, but you know.

So, in short.

Nice foods: meat (although I feel guilty saying that) lots of vegetables, lots of fruit, pasta, sweets & chocolate (unfortunately - are they even considered food?!) spaghetti/pasta bolognase, sweet & sour chicken, steak (yum, Frankie & Benny's = amaze) lamb & mash & veg.

Bad foods: fish. & I'm sure there is other stuff, but I can't think of it right now.